Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize