Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
