Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
They took my balls.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
