Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
