Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
