i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
