the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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