but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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