this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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