I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
