My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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