Yo dont text me then not text me
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
