summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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