I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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