Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
