And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Randomize
