i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
