no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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