Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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