The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
