I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
