How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize