Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
