How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
