Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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