She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
