Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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