in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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