Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
