Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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