will power is for people who don't want to get laid
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize