You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
