My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
