Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
