I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
