I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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