You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
