I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
