He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
