the new term for farting is butt boxing.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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