I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
