Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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