My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
