I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize