Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
