Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
