It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
