I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize