paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
