hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
