He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My underwear smells like fireworks.
vagina is talking i cant
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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