why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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