what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
