there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
