Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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