I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
