Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
