his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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