meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
