Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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