After last night, I could never be a politician.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
