how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize