For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
