never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
