his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
